As you all no doubt know OLYMPIC GAMES fever has hit the globe! The workplace is buzzing with talk of medal tallies, the media is awash with the intense discussion of strange exotic events from far off lands, and the stench of Australian Pride is in the air more than ever! What better way would there be to contribute to the hysteria than by writing about the GREATEST OLYMPIC SPORTS OF ALL TIME!

BOBSLEIGH

This sport rules so hard! It just feels like something that should really only exist in dreams! Some guy was like "Yeah, I'm gonna build this huge, epic ice slide and people will race to the bottom on sleds" and people were just all like "that is pretty fucking awesome!" and then to top that he was like "this time we'll also have groups of people in little escape pods going down the slide!" and people were like "WHAT THE FUCK??? THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!!" and BOBSLEIGH was born.

CURLING

Curling is so great! It is the ultimate "HOW THE FUCK IS THAT A SPORT??" sport. Watching it makes you feel like you're peeking in on a sport that is played on an alien planet! Sometimes when I'm waiting to meet up with somebody and they've been delayed I will make up imaginary games that involve things like me picking up a handful of woodchips or pebbles from a garden bed and throwing or kicking them at or on assigned targets, usually things like street signs or car bonnets. If curling is an olympic sport I feel that one day kicking pebbles into a bin could be.

FIGURE SKATING

This is graceful and beautiful. A guilty pleasure.

WOMEN'S ICE HOCKEY

Men's ice hockey is great, but women's ice hockey is even better. Holy shit is this a great olympic event! A year ago when everybody was going on and on about roller derby I didn't get what all the fuss was about, but women's ice hockey had me absolutely hooked last Winter Olympic Games. They don't need no sexy costumes or forced attitude, they just do their shit and it rules.

POWERLIFTING (SPECIAL OLYMPICS)

I had no idea that this existed until I was just researching olympic sports right now, but surely it has to be on the list. Everybody knows that special olympic sports are just watered down versions of the real thing, but with down syndrome people actually having super strength abilities this would have to be a great competition.

SKI JUMPING

People go down a big hill on skis toward a big ramp and then fly through the air while wearing goggles.