The 8 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time

Jingle All The Way

Arnie plays a deadbeat dad/mattress salesman named Howard Langston. Howard misses his son Jamie's (played by little Anakin) karate demonstration, and the kid is heaps upset. When trying to smooth things over he asks little Jamie how he can possibly make it up to him and what he requests is that he receive a TURBO MAN action figure for Christmas. Howard thinking shit is now cool goes on his way. However with it being Christmas eve, Howard soon realises that the TURBO MAN action figures are sold out everywhere which leads him on a gigantic retail adventure, on the hunt for one of the dolls. In his travels he crosses paths with a wise cracking African American mailman (played by the hysterical Sinbad) who is also trying to find one of the TURBO MAN dolls for his kid. Throughout the rest of the movie heaps of other crazy shit happens, including a smarmy neighbor (played by Phil Hartman no less!) who is trying to bang Arnies wife, and basically if you don't find this movie the most fun ever your heart is dead.

Scrooged

Scrooged is a modernization of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol starring Bill Murray as Frank Cross, a successful but cynical television programming executive. Frank is a conceited man who has become alienated from his family and lost the love of his life due to his concentration on work. Frank gets asked to put on a live Christmas Eve broadcast of A Christmas Carol and in the process the story begins to mirror his actual life. Then he gets visited by some ghosts and some other stuff happens. This is a great movie.

Elf

Elf is the story of Buddy, a man who grew up raised by elves in the North Pole, now returning to New York City to find his real family, oblivious to the ways of the world. This movie features comedic actor Will Ferrell jumping and flailing about in a silly elf costume, and speaking in a silly high-pitched voice. It has the predictable type of story that will have most people saying things like “man, this movie is so predictable!” This movie should suck...but somehow it doesn’t. And that is because this movie is filled with HEART and GENUINE CHRISTMAS CHEER. This movie is super charming, super sweet, and heaps fucking funny. The movie also stars Mary Steenburgen which means it’s ranking pretty high in the babe factor.

Muppet Christmas Carol

This is an adaptation of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol with Michael Caine playing the role of Ebenezer Scrooge, and THE MUPPETS are there.

Home Alone

The McCallister family are hanging out together the night before they head to France for Christmas vacation. Kevin attacks his brother Buzz after finding out he ate his cheese pizza. Everyone ends up turning on him (which was complete bullshit) and he gets sent to his room where he wishes that his family would disappear. During the night the alarm clocks reset, and the family oversleep. In all the commotion of them rushing about to make their flight, Kevin gets left at home...alone. Initially Kevin has the time of his life, but that quickly changes when he starts getting spooked by the police, his creepy next door neighbor, and a couple of burglars known as the Wet Bandits. Kevin overhears that the Wet Bandits will be targeting his house and he proceeds to defend his home with a series of booby traps which is seriously some of the coolest shit ever, leading to some hilarious scenes where Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern get knocked about with paint cans, metal pipes and other shit like that. EASY ON THE PEPSI, FULLER!

Trading Places

In this classic 80's comedy, a hobo who lives a life of crime named Denholm Valentine (played by Eddie Murphy) and powerful yuppie Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Aykroyd) trade places after Winthorpe's employers, Mortimer and Randolph Duke, argue about whether a person's success in life will be determined by their environment or their heredity. To settle the bet they have Winthorpe lose his job and home, leaving him shunned by everyone he knows. Valentine is then given his job (as well as access to his home) as they pretend to be running an assistance program for the underprivileged. After that Winthorpe becomes friends with a prostitute (played by Jamie Lee Curtis) and a bunch of crazy shit happens.

Home Alone 2: Lost In New York

Holy shit does this movie rule. It takes everything that was great about the first movie and just dumps more greatness upon it. All the original gang are back... Buzz, Uncle Frank, Jeff, Fuller, mom (mum), and dad. Oh man, this is great. The family are all hanging out together the night before they head out to Florida. Once again the alarms don’t go off and they’re running late. Kevin makes it to the airport this time, but again, they’re all rushing about and Kevin follows a bloke that is about the same height as his dad, has similar hair and is wearing the same coat (this guy has a moustache though) to the wrong terminal, onto the wrong flight and ends up in New York City.

Much like last time Kevin is having the time of his life at first. He checks into the Plaza Hotel using his dads credit card and eats heaps of ice cream and cheese pizza, and just basically has a sweet time. But then he happens to bump into Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern once again. They kidnap him, and when he is their captive they brag to him about how they plan to knock off a giant toy store called Duncan’s Toy Chest. He manages to get away and later lures them to another house (his aunt and uncles house that is being renovated) that he had previously rigged with traps. The shit he does to them this time around is basically torture. There is one particularly hilarious scene where Daniel Stern gets pelted in the head with bricks over and over.

Tim Curry is fantastic playing the snooty hotel manager, and somehow Rob Schneider manages to not stink the whole movie up with his unbelievable shitness! How many movies starring Rob Schneider could you possibly say that about? Not many, I’m telling you.

One thing that always gave me the shits watching the Home Alone movies is why the fuck does Fuller get more respect than Kevin? Fuller is this little nerdy kid who wets the bed and the family all stick up for him yet somehow Kevin—who is ultra witty and clever—gets shat upon by his family. Why do they all prefer Fuller? I have never understood this! The only explanation is that Fuller is a retard child and his family defend him for that reason.

Christmas Vacation

It's no secret that the National Lampoon's Vacation series is the greatest film franchise in all of film history, so it is no surprise that Christmas Vacation is THE greatest Christmas movie of all time...the benchmark on which all other Christmas movies are judged...a Christmas institution.