The other day I was passing through a shopping centre. I had headphones on. All of a sudden somebody stopped me walking and pulled me aside. I glanced over and saw it was a Mediterranean looking gentleman. He was wearing black dress pants and a white button down, long sleeve shirt. He was dressed well, but fairly casual at the same time, his five o’clock shadow adding to that effect. I pulled out my headphones and gave him my attention. “Sir, do you know about the Dead Sea?” he says to me, his voice mysterious and exotic sounding. While momentarily confusing, his words struck a deep chord within me. My time had come. This is what I have been waiting for. My calling. This was it. From a very young age I knew that I was destined for something big. I knew that I was different from all the other children. Even into adulthood I just get this feeling that I am so much more… I don’t know… important? Like some kind of “chosen one” if you will. After collecting my thoughts for a few moments, I turn to the man and firmly whisper “I am ready!” He was really confused and as it turns out he was just selling some dodgy skincare products.
A kid I used to know back in primary school used to have a pet Blue Tongue Lizard. One day I was at his house after school and we were playing video games. I was playing Shinobi, and he was sitting beside me playing with his lizard. While playing the game I had just lost a life, and the kid nudged me to get my attention. "Wanna see something cool?" Always down to see something cool, I agreed to his offer. He flipped his lizard over and said "Hey, check this out...it's the lizards vagina..." and proceed to do something to the underbelly of it that made a little pouch flick open. I didn't really react, but thought that it was super weird and just kinda awkwardly laughed it off. It wasn't until years later that I remembered that it had ever happened, and from that moment on it has always played on my mind... what if he sexually abused that lizard?
As a kid I was a big fan of Home & Away. One night I was watching it with my mum and a female cousin who was around five years older than me. In one scene the character Selena (played by Tempany Deckert) was flipping out. She was hyperventilating and freaking out about how she “skipped a period”. She was really freaking out about it, almost to the point of tears. Her friend Shannon (played by Isla Fisher) was consoling her. What the hell, I’m thinking to myself... Why the fuck is she overreacting like this? As if Donald “Flathead” Fisher (played by Norman Coburn) is going to really care about her cutting class. Irene (Selena’s guardian, played by Lynne McGranger) is good mates with Donald anyway, and he’ll drop a warning and all will be forgotten. “Mum, why does she care so much about not being in class?” I say aloud. Her and my cousin both crack up laughing. “I’ll explain later!” my mum replies. She never explained, but boy was my face red a few years down the track when I became “in the know” to all that stuff.
One time when I was around seven, me and a mate acquired a big box of chalk sticks. To make use of them, we wrote in huge, huge lettering REX SEX DOGS NUTZ on the road outside of a kid named Rex's house. It was really, really big and bold, prob bly covering four or five metres of road. We spent somewhere in the ballpark of two or three hours working on it. At around eight o'clock the next morning Rex's mum spotted it when she was walking to her car in the driveway to leave for work. She went inside and started screaming at Rex to get up. A few moments later Rex comes out staggering around, half asleep in his pyjamas. She starts screaming that she wanted it removed. Rex stumbled through his front yard, over to the garden hose and proceeded to hose down the road. It took him ages to get rid of and it was so hard to watch. I would have felt bad, but Rex was around five years older than us and he would always rip younger kids off with basketball card trades.