From a distance The Apple Store gleans like a beacon of otherworldly brightness, elevating detached shopping centres into something warm and inviting. They teem with helpful and charismatic staff members all wearing smart matching blue or red t-shirts. Like the slightly matured version of JB Hi-fi staff, facial hair is encouraged to a degree. Similarly, shorts are tolerated but excessive tattoos or numerous facial piercings are not in the company charter. Glasses are a definite hit.
The method of operation is such that the store will begin trading only after a certain ritual has taken place.
There are always challenges in business, said some business guru at some point. Running a small operation has never been more difficult what with the advent of internet ordering, globalisation and the domination of corporate monopolies. So how does one get ahead and survive, provide their chosen service, and hopefully turn a profit at the end of the day?
The answer is so simple. It's staring us in the face - everywhere you look success stories are built on the same foundation. And the best news is it's not specific to any particular business model. Whatever you're running, this is guaranteed to work. So listen up vendors and get ready for the super profits highway. As I said, it's a simple rule that anyone can follow.
Melbourne's Bosma has recently been in talks with Red Rooster regarding the addition of Quorn products to their menu. Today we present to you the extensive correspondence that was exchanged back and forth between the two parties. Ideas were expressed, stories were shared, marketing strategies were...strategised, and amongst it all the unlikely friendship between one boy who's heart was just too big and Red Rooster's National Marketing Manager Scott Hamilton blossomed.
Date: Sun, Apr 17, 2011 at 2:46 PM
Subject: Your Next Product Range
Hey Red Rooster in Clayton, hope you day has been good!
Target Customer Relations
Reply Paid 41
I am writing to you in regards to the layout of your Erina Fair store on the Central Coast of NSW. You may be unaware of this, but if I wish to get to the home entertainment section I must walk through the centre of the store, which means I must pass by the women and children wear departments. I find it offensive that I am forced to have to deal with all this baloney when I am simply on a quest to purchase “Magic: The Gathering” cards.
Often I will walk by the women’s wear section and see ladies trying on their bras and underwear over their clothes and I am constantly getting dirty looks like they think I am full perving on them.
PO Box 27
Dear Channel Nine,
Hi, how are you? Okay, I hope. I just wanted to write to you about an idea for a TV show I had that I think would be really kicking rad... In the past you have ran a show called “The Farmer Wants A Wife” which is all about a group of women all vying for the love of one farmer. Channel 7 have also had a TV show called “Beauty and the Geek” where some nerdy guys are trying to woo super attractive women.
Here’s my idea... you combine both of these programs together to form one mighty morphin’ super show called: THE FARMER WANTS A NERD!
I have some of the greatest ideas ever. Just for everything. I can come up with brilliant ideas like that (I just snapped my fingers). Really brilliant things, really quickly. Like that (I snapped my fingers again). This is about an idea I had for a movie that would easily make millions of dollars at the box office. The movie is called Laxative Effect.
Laxative Effect is about two young nerdy, goofy, awkward, fun loving, scientific inventor types--Steve and Winston--who create a ray gun that when pointed and fired at someone will cause their stomach and bowls to spasm and make them shit their pants. Steve and Winston have an arch nemesis, a jerk of an inventor named Richard Smart. Richard comes from an extremely wealthy family, his father being a famous industrialist. Due to this he has an extensive, well trained team of scientists and engineers backing him that give him the extra edge over our heroes Steve and Winston.
The movie starts at an extremely prestigious new inventions competition that takes place at an extremely prestigious university where we will see our two heroes (Steve & Winston) lose out to Richard (and his studious team).
After the competition there will be a confrontation between the two parties. Richard will brag about winning the competition, showing off his trophy. He will be berating them about how they are losers and laughing at their misfortune. His extremely attractive girlfriend will be at his side, further rubbing salt in the wound.
A few months later, disillusioned with his scientific inventing ability, Steve accidentally stumbles upon a scientific formula that enables one to store an energy that that when released upon a human will make their bowls empty of their own accord (see: making them shit their pants). He will call up Winston, who is now a comically depressed, unkempt alcoholic with a beard. Together they will work on their project (there will be a montage where they will be working in the lab, reading charts, just basically wearing lab coats and doing scientific and math related things, and ending with a shot of them doing some welding.
When they have the ray gun made, they will take it out onto the streets where they will spend time making members of the public shit their pants. There might be a comical montage of people shitting themselves, but I'm not sure if that would be too much or not...
At some point they will cross paths with Richard Smart and his team again, and again he will make fun of them. They decide to use the ray on Richard. They go out to their van (they will have a van!) to get the ray, and sneak up behind Richard. Just before they're about to fire it, one of Richards team members will yell out "HEY, WHAT IS THAT?" causing them to miss Richard and hit one of his underlings.
It will look like he has just shat his pants like the ray gun's other victims, but a few seconds later he will fall to the ground and we will see blood coming out the back of his pants. The ray actually caused his anus to prolapse, and guts to ... rupture (?). As Steve and Winston find out what happened, they will run out of the building, into their van and drive off. When they try to go back to their homes they will find police there waiting for them, and will soon later see news updates talking about how Richards team member had died in hospital, and that they had in fact killed him and were now wanted killers.
They proceed to make their way into Mexico...
The movie will skip forward a few months where Steve and Winston are now living in Mexico where they have both grown beards and are now working behind a bar, comically interacting with the gringos and pouring drinks. We will also find out that in those months Richard and his father will have a private army, hired hit men and bounty hunters to track them down...
The rest of the movie will be about them fighting off the people that are after them using the ray gun, as well as other booby traps and weapons they create out of fairly basic objects and their scientific minds. They'll end up taking a bunch of them out and the movie will end with them finding out that Richards dad has been dealing with corrupt cops and government officials and funding some kind of underground drug smuggling conspiracy. They will go to President Obama with their information and do a deal with him where they get off if they testify in court. In their meeting with Obama, he'll sheepishly ask them if the ray gun that makes people shit their pants is actually real or just a myth. They show him the ray and how it works, and as he's laughing his head off he offers to buy it off them for one billion dollars.
The movie will skip forward a few months and we find out our heroes are now living in a nice house, chilling out by the pool. They'll have robot butlers serving them cocktails, and lots of other neat inventions doing cool shit around the house.
Healthy Habits are a food chain that specialise in healthy food options. I feel they could make much larger of a dent in the food world if they put a little bit more effort into their marketing...changed their tactics a little.
I decided that I could offer Healthy Habits a free marketing consultation...some hits and tips to help them along in the cut throat world of fast food.
I sent them the following letter:
Dear Healthy Habits,
I just wanted to write to say what a huge fan I am of your stores. Most of the time when eating out during the day I am forced to make choices between various varieties of horrible unhealthy fast food. It is not good. Now with the existence of Healthy Habits, it is brilliant to have a healthy option available.
However, I must let you know that your company is let down by poor marketing. While your stores, website and other marketing materials are bright and friendly, there is no "hook". A hook is a marketing tool that keeps people coming back. Take McDonalds for example... why are they such an institution? One word: MARKETING. They have advertising campaigns that seep into our consciousness, and more importantly they have Ronald McDonald. A friendly clown that makes us feel at ease. A guy that will stop and help us fix a flat tyre. A guy we can all trust. The same goes for Kentucky Fried Chicken. They have Colonel Sanders; a lovable old hick who makes tasty, tasty chicken. A man with sturdy, upstanding morals. A man with family values. A man who keeps his children in line with a baseball bat.
If you wish to go head to head with the "big boys" you're going to need to "step up to the plate."
My name is Matt Ford. I am a young entrepreneur and marketing expert from the sunny Central Coast of NSW. I graduated from Duke Fuqua, the college ranked 3rd in the USA for marketing and business. I specialise in formulating world class advertising strategies for companies looking to "step up to the plate." Are you ready? Ready to "step up to the plate" that is...
I have been undertaking some research and studying some of your Sydney locations over the last few months; speaking to people eating in other establishments nearby about Healthy Habits, and why they aren't eating there. A common thread I found in the comments given by people is that everyone thinks that you are boring. I was having a conversation with one shopper about Healthy Habits and he actually fell asleep. BORING. You're doing okay, but if you want to reach your full potential, you need me.
Are you ready to make things happen? Big, magical things? Are ready to "step up to the plate?" If so, I have a strategy in mind for you. Please read on: